How to Survive UBC During Exam Period In 20 Steps

 

  1. Tell all your friends you’re going to be dead to them for the next 10-20 days.
  2. Book an appointment, several appointments with your doctor, for the following…-the inevitable heart attack or aneurysm from the stress of finding out your Math 101 exam requires you find the mass of the sun.
    -to get that “sick note” for that English 112 essay you actually just forgot about.
    -after you actually get really sick from eating all that “Asian Basement”.
  3. Print out all your class notes. Warning: Please do not harm yourself once you realize that “7 cents-a-page” at Woodward is actually quite a lot when you’re in BIOL 121. Also, please do not harm anyone else when you realize when the printers at IKB stop working, and the librarian does this…
    Screen Shot 2015-11-28 at 11.48.21 AM
  4. Start panicking. You skipped the last lecture of CHEM 121 to go day drink at Koerners’ and you hear a group of smart Asian kids next to you talk about how SN1 reactions aren’t going to be on the test. And take a guess what you’ve been studying for the last four hours?
  5. Leave IKB because it’s too crowded to meet with your “friends” (not really friends, they’re just in a study group and suffering with others is better than suffering alone). To be honest, going to IKB with your three friends during exams to get yourselves a quiet space to study is like getting a patio spot at the LOCAL when it’s sunny out. Good luck.
  6. If possible, buy yourself a parka because they’re going to be in Woodward.
  7. If not, book another appointment with your doctor.
  8. Take your first exam at the SRC. After you finish, try to drown out all people saying stupid things like, “Dude what did you get for part C of question 3 of the written?”, “NUMBER 4 WAS STRAIGHT FROM HIS NOTES, JUST DIFFERENT NUMBERS!”, and of course…”OMG, I didn’t put it on my formula sheet!”.
  9. Start crying. It’s ok.
  10. Start shit-talking the people who are “already done” (It is only December 10th at this point).
  11. Ask yourself if you should bother doing laundry at this point. Nah.
  12. Restart your formula sheet for PHYS 101/107 when you realize half the crap you wrote on your “single-page, one-sided” sheet was on the front page of the booklet.
  13. Calculate the percentage you need to pass the course.
  14. Start asking around to see if you actually need 50% on the final to pass the course.
  15. You start noticing people associating with people they normally don’t around December 15th, and they’re not in the same class.
  16. Try not to be too awkward as you ask them if they have any Adderall to sell.
  17. Ace your next two exams on a steady diet of will, study drugs, Starbucks, and acting like that librarian above.
  18. Wake up on a couch an unknown building. December, man. Normally this would happen because you got blackout drunk and ended up in Totem Commonsblock. This is the Life Sci building.
  19. Take your last exam. YOU’RE DONE. Instead of studying for the hour before the exam, you realize there’s no point and have made plans to start pre-gaming for Christmas break.
  20. You’ve earned it. Give yourself a pat on the back and realize you have endured two weeks of hell that you would never wish upon your worst enemy. You are now free to do normal things like actually washing your hair or eating something that hasn’t been stewing under a hot-stove for 3 days straight.
  21. BONUS: Just kidding. The post-exam euphoria is a little like illicit party drugs…it’s awesome but wears off very, very quickly. You arrive home to mom and dad, only to be anti-social at Christmas dinner because you are clicking refresh on WebCT/Vista/whatever they’re using these days…trolling for your grades.Happy holidays, people.
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