What Your Drink Choice Says About You in One Sentence

When you’re in first year, your drink choice says, “I’m in first year”, because basically you drink what’s available or what’s the cheapest thing that’ll get you drunk. Now, even though you lost your drinking virginity to keg beer and it gave you lots of comfort and sentimental memories…you’re actually just, like, naturally growing apart. Here’s a list of 25 alternatives to You-Brew that you’ll see people order at a pub, and what it says about them.

  1. Budweiser (Or any domestic beer) – You’re the type of person of who drunk dials your ex all the time…a Budweiser and a Bud drinker are like an old married couple; they don’t like each other that much anymore (if they ever did) but have gotten totally used to one another and their flaws.
  2. Heineken (Or other “import” beers) – You think Germans know beer, and therefore drink Heineken…but that’s a little like saying the French know food and therefore you eat French fries.
  3. Any IPA or any obscure craft beer – You want to tell people about about how you brewed your own beer but you know no one gives a damn.
  4. Vodka Soda – You do know that you’re going to make up for all those calories later on by crushing $15 worth of McDonald’s, right?
  5. Gin and Tonic – You wanted to be sophisticated but you’re actually getting more drunk than anyone else.
  6. Tequila Shots – You didn’t want to be sophisticated and you’re actually getting more drunk than anyone else.
  7. Fireball Shots – You’re…well, it’s similar to the above, just you’ve got even less dignity because at least tequila shots are usually done at a bar with your friends and Fireball’s usually done in an alleyway out of a brown paper bag.
  8. Rum and Coke – You had a Captain Morgan Spiced with Coke in a Red Solo cup when you were 15, didn’t hate it, and you’re afraid of trying anything else…and you drunk dial your ex all the time.
  9. Single Malt Whiskey – You think that because some old guy told you scotch is a real man’s drink that you should pretend you can tell the difference between Glenlivet and Macallan (plot twist, it was Canadian Club you moron!).
  10. Mojito – Your perception skills are terrible…because any person that watches a mojito get made and thinks, “Hey, I bet the bartender doesn’t hate me!” is an idiot.
  11. Margarita – You’re a wildcard, and no one knows what they’re getting from you…you’re either going to be the life of the party or disappear into the night without any explanation once you’re too drunk.
  12. Jack And Coke – You love country bars and 18 year old girls, even though you’re like 25…30? 40?
  13. Sangria – You’re on a patio and it’s sunny.
  14. Guinness – You know what you’re doing and really appreciate the taste of beer, or you’re not planning on having any dinner.
  15. Jagerbombs or Vodka Red Bulls – You’re a massive douchebag.
  16. Red Wine – You’re a foodie and a great conversationalist.
  17. White Wine – You’re either a cougar or a cougar in training.
  18. Either Red Or White (You don’t care which one) – You “weren’t going to drink tonight” and you are buckled.
  19. Bellini, if you’re a girl – You post Buzzfeed articles on your BFF’s timeline talking about how “OMG No.12 is OUR LIVES”.
  20. Bellini, if you’re a guy – You’re secure with yourself because it takes a lot for a guy to be able to order a Bellini without enduring a LOT of chirping.
  21. Caesars, if you actually like them – You’re hungover and decided day drinking is acceptable and not offensive to society.
  22. Caesars, if you’re just pretending to like them – You’re one of those people who just does what their friends do or follows the latest trends because…for crying out loud, it’s cheap vodka and clamato juice mixed together.
  23. Martini – You…uhhh (QUICK ASIDE: no one cares about whether it’s shaken, stirred, dirty AF – YOU AREN’T JAMES BOND)…must like a challenge because no glass is more frustrating to sip out of than a martini glass…seriously, there is literally nothing that makes any functional sense about a martini glass.
  24. Long Island Iced Tea – You are tacky as hell…I mean, either learn to make a real drink or just drink beer…WHO WOULD BUY THAT GROSS LONG ISLAND MIX, COME ON!
  25. Mystery Shitmix in a Solo Cup or Plastic Bottle – You thought this whole list was a bunch of b.s. because the best alcohol is free alcohol, and spend your free time beaking anyone who drinks the last 15-20 items on this list. BONUS: You’re also a beauty, comment if you’d like to party sometime.

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